Using

Hello my old friend
That's all there is to say now
We've been taking so long
Nothing has meaning
So we just stick with
Hello

But I need that hello
It's like some sort of pain relief
From how I torture myself in your absence
God, I need it so badly

It doesn't make me happy
I don't love you like I say
I don't even think I like you anymore
But God, I need you

You are an opiate
A pain reliever I used to need
But I still take you in every day because I have made myself still need you
Still need that sweet rush flooding my veins

You don't make me feel love
You don't make me feel anything
You just make me need you
You make me feel nothing
You are slowly killing me from the inside out and I am making you do it

You are not saving me
You are not a heroine
You are just

Heroin

The Hysteric

Me

I am afraid 

Of making a decision
Of what will happen if I don't
Of three things

Three people affecting me 

Three voices to listen to

Three directions to choose

None of this can be any good,
what has been quietly rising
in temperature (and temper) is
reaching fever pitch

I've been running in fear, in three
different directions, and now I'm
moving faster, and now I'm being
pulled apart at the seams until I'm
nothing

This is the decision between
a head screaming with hysterics
and a heart fluttering with hope

and it's up to

Me

The Hope

You

I like you

We rarely talk just between us

Only ever late at night

When everyone's around we're two faces in a crowd

But both making and laughing at the same kind of dumb jokes

Things are ordinary

When it's just us we make each other laugh with those dumb jokes

Both looking at each other with an understanding that maybe we're a different kind

It's something special

At least I hope so

For the sake of me surviving this time I hope so

For the sake of you not being afraid anymore I hope so

For the sake of you and me and us I hope so

And that hope is a thing

With feathers that will fly me

Away from old dead weights

Toward

You

The Head

You

I hear you

I've gone to you for advice again

And like always I hear but don't listen

I know you have fought long and hard with my same struggle

And that you want me to be happy because you're my friend

You are wise

You know that I am stubborn and don't always value happiness

But even though I try to listen because you're my friend

I am foolish

And I know that in my pigheadedness and refusal to listen I might just be making this worse and hurting myself more and I know you don't want me to learn this lesson the hard way like you did because that's not how things have to be

But it's how things are

And it's how things will stay

Sometimes you need to trust your heart over your head

And sometimes you need to listen to something but

Not you

The Heart

You

I love you

I have told you that many times

So many in fact that's it's lost meaning

For you it's as though I'm saying it to try to win you over 

Like its some magic spell that can fix all the wrong I've done you

It's hollow and selfish  

For me it's as though I'm saying it to fix all the wrong you've done yourself

Like its some magic spell that will make you see yourself in a better light

I think of it as selfless

But it is just my heart's selfish cry

Of loneliness you could solve if only

I could hold you again

I could kiss you again

I could help you again

I could console you again 

But I cannot so those things

And that would not solve anything

But still

The heart wants what it wants 

You

The First Law

The First Law of Motion

An object at rest...

Remains at rest.

As an engineering student

This has been drilled into my head

And for physics problems I always remember

Sometimes I forget

I stay at rest unable to start myself

And at rest the always moving worries of my mind

Have time to catch up

They retard my movement further

I sink deeper and deeper into a hole and yet

I keep digging myself deeper with my inaction

The First Law of Holes

If you find yourself in a hole...

Stop digging.

Its hard to stop doing something

That you do without doing

But it's easy not to feel like you're doing it

So when you are just living

at rest

at the bottom of a hole

It's easy to forget you're living and just feel dead

Which brings me to the first law

That all should follow at all times

The First Law of Life

Do not forget...

You are alive!

No Houses No Homes

Trapped in a prison of our own design

Trapped by monotony

Trapped by our own foolishness

and most importantly

Trapped of our own volition

Fleeing the work of five

Seek adventure in the other two

Imagine our own diversions like children

Drink and breathe poison to forget reality

Fleeing the places we work

Flashing lights and sounds

Long into the dark and quiet night

Returning only for

Rest and peace in stillness

Long into the bright and busy day

Are we not wanderers

In the glaring light of day

In the obscuring dark of night

Having nowhere to return to

No houses

No homes

Pretend

You need someone

And I need you now

It's been a month since you've seen me

We get coffee and talk for hours

I take you home and we say goodbye

And we hold each other in the cold night 

I love you so much 

And you pretend you do 

You need him now

But I need you still

It's been a month since I've seen you

I am still far away and we barely talk

And you tell me how he holds you

And how he makes you far happier than I could ever hope to

I love you so much

And I pretend I don't

Different

Though
I never really believed in "growing apart"
People change
Sometimes a lot and sometimes very quickly

Their hobbies
Their profession
Their joys
Their struggles
Maybe even
Parts of their personality

but not all of it

I said I believed people change
But I didn't
They may change everything about themselves
But not themselves
The very person that they are

But now that I'm walking away from you
I try to look back and see you

The same beautiful girl
with those same beautiful eyes
and that same beautiful soul

somehow you're
Different

Hurricane

Here we go again

I am done with you

And I break your buildings

You are done with me

And you build your dikes and walls

The same as always

Here we go again

I need you back

I smile and joke at you

You need just someone

So back you come like the sun through clouds

The same as always

You are like the weather

Unpredictable in how you begin

But no matter how thunderous your storm

You always calm again

Light Swtich

There are problems

Too big to ignore

At least in full light

Simply shut off the light

Or cloud up the air

Why does it matter if you're hiding from life

If nothing and no one can see to find you

Find me

I'm getting lost

Alone in the dark

Strayed from the switch after I killed the lights

Adrift and alone

Devoid of light

Derelict

Find me

Hypocrisy

I am ruled by my emotions

I am foolish

I am weak

But I know you

You are stronger than I 

So I give you this advice: 

Do not make the mistakes I have

Get out

Before you become the user and abuser

Before you manipulate only because it's fun

Before you end up too broken to follow this advice

Broken like this vinyl veneer of a man skip skip skipping and repeating this advice

A hypocrite telling you to let go

With his own hands clenched tight

Or at least I'd like to believe 

I'm not giving this advice 

To save another from how I was hurt

Because the way I held on was different 

Not because I rule emotions

Not because I fool others

Not because I exploit weakness

Because I am weak

And I lie even to myself 

And that lie is my real hypocrisy 

Warm Bodies

Sometimes in a meaningless life

Meaningless contact is enough

Just another warm body

Brings me back to reality

Reminds me I'm alive

Makes me happy if only for a moment

Sometimes in a meaningless life

I can be happy

With no meaningful reason

Other than your warm body against mine

And no promise of it ever happening again

Mulligan

I came here with

One thing in mind

I wanted a fresh start

A chance to find someone else like you

A chance to not make the same mistakes I once did 

A chance to do something other than hurt and get hurt 

And I found someone 

The same enough that she could mean the same

But different enough that I could be someone different

But as time went on I learned 

What they say is true

Old habits die hard 

And history is doomed to

Repeat itself 

Memento

I drove for miles and miles

Still I can't run away

There's memories of you

Everywhere I look 

Running alongside me

In that coffee cup

From the last time we went out

Sitting in the cup holder by the passenger seat

Reminding me of us together

In that 33

A repress of your favorite album

Sitting in a black trash bag by the back seat

I bought it as a gift for you

In your smile still burned into my sight

In your voice still whispering in my ear

In your perfume still filling my memory

In the taste of you still on my lips

But even though it's all in my head

It still feels like you'll follow me anywhere

Both a torment and a savior

Last Watch

Pacing up and down

Dark and empty halls

There is but one sound

Click click click

The footsteps of the last watch

Overseeing the desolate masses

With darkened and recessed eyes

Click click click

Each step passes another door

And behind each door resides

A new person with new demons

Each protected only by the last watch

Click click click

I pace these empty halls

With darkened eyes

Past darkened doorways

Listening to others darkened hearts

paying no mind to my own, beating with my footsteps, drowned out more each doorway, a heart burning ever dimmer, a beat growing ever softer

drowned out

Click

Simplicity

You make me laugh 

You make me smile

That's all there is to it

Talking to you is easy

Talking to you is fun

Plain and simple 

Looking into your eyes

Time lightly pauses 

In that moment 

We are happy

We laugh and smile

Life is easy and fun

You make me happy

For a moment 

Or maybe for longer

Because

I like you

That's all there is to it 

Plain and simple 

A Word with a Face

You knew him

You worked with him

You trusted him

He did not care

You were just going to get dinner

You were just going to talk

He did not care

You said no

He did not care 

You already felt alone

Like no one cared 

Not your parents

Not your friends

Not your boyfriend 

No one

So when your frantic search

For just someone to trust

Brought you to him

He took it

And then took so much more

And left that awful word

The one you had constant nightmares about

Permanently burned into your memory

He took you

He left you

And

He did not care 

Why Do I?

So many have hurt you

And it's always me

Who's there to kiss your scars 

So many have left you

And it's always me

Who's there to keep you company

So many have let you fall

And it's always me

Who's there to catch you and hold you tight

And yet it's always me

Who finds old wounds to hurt you

And in your pain and guilt leaves you

And pushes you over the edge to fall

So many have already done you wrong

And if I claim to be your savour

And if I claim to care at all

And if I claim to love you

Why do I?

Right and Wrong (Orbits)

I am sometimes so focused on making something right

With two wrong people and all the wrong words I've said

That I miss someone who has it right

I am unstable and so are you

So unsure of yourself

That you follow the crowd

An asteroid in this belt with me

Whom I thought I could fly alongside

But you so small so light so fast

Leave me alone in the dust

Spinning with nowhere gravitate to

Until you pass by then leave again

Stuck in unstable orbits so wrong

That is wrong for me

You are wrong for me

I am unstable but you are not

So self assured and confident

You stand out immediately from the crowd

A star who so many pause or stay for

Whom I think I can stay alongside

And you so small yet so stoic 

Make sure I am not left alone

I spin and circle around and gravitate to you

And somehow neither of us flies away

Finally a stable star and a stable orbit

Maybe that is right for me 

Maybe you are right for me

Maybe I have finally learned my right and wrong

And the old idiom that two wrongs can never make a right 

And to look inward and focus on the source of this orbit 

That could be something right

Closing In

It begins as it always does

The doors are shut

Like a silent gunshot from

A firing line to execute me

Now the walls may do their worst

And so may the voices

Ever present but normally drowned out

In the silence are heard

Their words fill my head like spilled chemicals

And still the walls

Every smallest sound another voice

Taunting

Doubting

Jeering

Sneering

Devaluing

Destroying

Every fear and neurosis screams at the top of its lungs

And still the walls

Breath        is no longer possible

Air flees this        terrible room

My lungs expand        and contract

Moving the        nothing inside        and outside

And still the walls

And still the walls

Closing in

Never to let me free

Crushing me alive

Beneath my own fear and self doubt

They stop and I am left in a small room

To contemplate why I have done this to myself

Again