Using

Hello my old friend
That's all there is to say now
We've been taking so long
Nothing has meaning
So we just stick with
Hello

But I need that hello
It's like some sort of pain relief
From how I torture myself in your absence
God, I need it so badly

It doesn't make me happy
I don't love you like I say
I don't even think I like you anymore
But God, I need you

You are an opiate
A pain reliever I used to need
But I still take you in every day because I have made myself still need you
Still need that sweet rush flooding my veins

You don't make me feel love
You don't make me feel anything
You just make me need you
You make me feel nothing
You are slowly killing me from the inside out and I am making you do it

You are not saving me
You are not a heroine
You are just

Heroin

Hypocrisy

I am ruled by my emotions

I am foolish

I am weak

But I know you

You are stronger than I 

So I give you this advice: 

Do not make the mistakes I have

Get out

Before you become the user and abuser

Before you manipulate only because it's fun

Before you end up too broken to follow this advice

Broken like this vinyl veneer of a man skip skip skipping and repeating this advice

A hypocrite telling you to let go

With his own hands clenched tight

Or at least I'd like to believe 

I'm not giving this advice 

To save another from how I was hurt

Because the way I held on was different 

Not because I rule emotions

Not because I fool others

Not because I exploit weakness

Because I am weak

And I lie even to myself 

And that lie is my real hypocrisy 

Memento

I drove for miles and miles

Still I can't run away

There's memories of you

Everywhere I look 

Running alongside me

In that coffee cup

From the last time we went out

Sitting in the cup holder by the passenger seat

Reminding me of us together

In that 33

A repress of your favorite album

Sitting in a black trash bag by the back seat

I bought it as a gift for you

In your smile still burned into my sight

In your voice still whispering in my ear

In your perfume still filling my memory

In the taste of you still on my lips

But even though it's all in my head

It still feels like you'll follow me anywhere

Both a torment and a savior

A Word with a Face

You knew him

You worked with him

You trusted him

He did not care

You were just going to get dinner

You were just going to talk

He did not care

You said no

He did not care 

You already felt alone

Like no one cared 

Not your parents

Not your friends

Not your boyfriend 

No one

So when your frantic search

For just someone to trust

Brought you to him

He took it

And then took so much more

And left that awful word

The one you had constant nightmares about

Permanently burned into your memory

He took you

He left you

And

He did not care 

Crashdown

You packed up you clothes in that bag every night
I would try to grab your ankles, what a pitiful sight
But after over a year I stopped trying to stop you
From stomping out that door and coming back like you always do

-Peter Silberman in "Two"
_________________________________________________________________________________

Begin: CE 2015-09-04 20:56

T-minus 242:56 to Crashdown

10: Contemplate suggestion.

9: Accept premise. Join together!

8: Plan far future. Sabotage near future. 

7: Maintain status quo. Maintain status quo? 

6: Break down. Begin death spiral

5: Fail to defuse fight. Split apart!

4: Complete death spiral. Vent anger on displaced target. Apologize. 

3: Get fucked up. Recover things previously discarded. Restabilize.

2: Contemplate conclusion. Notify secondarily related parties. Prepare.
1: stall. Second guess. stall. Steel yourself.

0: Cut the cord. forget...

End: CE 2015-09-14 23:52
T-plus 00:00:00

Crashdown

as it seems
two years of you leaning on me
Meant nothing to you
so shall it be
two years of me leaning on you
Mean nothing to me

Your dishonesty is too much to bear
My love is too damaged to continue
Our relationship
Our commiseration
Our celebration
Our connection
Our friendship

is

over



Goodbye
I sincerely hope not forever

Breakfast

I love the dining hall in the morning

The quiet
Space to just eat for once
Instead of the clamor at meals
Later in the day

The intermittent
clatter of the kitchen
making
food for a slow stream
of students

The unity in the union
No one is there to talk
No one to judge you
Just to eat a breakfast

The quiet
Without the silence
Without what permeates my nightmares
Without that sharpest psychological chisel tearing at me
Without any space for that nagging voice in my head to tell me "it's time to go"

I love the dining hall in the mourning

Sides of You

        I know that there are many sides to every person, but this is going a little too far. These stories don't add up and I showed up late enough to the party that no evidence remains. This is he-said she-said and I can't know who to believe, or if somehow I can believe you both. He says you take and abuse trust, even though you say it was you who was taken and abused.
        Yours was a matter of trust too, the people closest to you became monsters of the basest kind. They made you feel worth something and gave you your fix in more ways than one. But they took the trust they earned, murdered it, and left you bleeding in a society that did not care about Kitty on the street crying bloody murder. So why would it care about one more girl crying rape?
        So with your trust so brutally defiled, how could you even conceive of abusing the trust of another? How could you pull the knife from your back and swing it's blade so wantonly? And if you did swing so wildly around it'd be easy to pass of the inevitable cuts on yourself as the assault of another. I do not want to believe you are so vile, but maybe that's just a side of you long hidden.
        But an uncaring society might view those cuts others forced on you as your chosen scarlet letter. And they throw away damaged goods to prevent the bad apple from spoiling their bunch, and blame it for its bruises. I can't know who to believe, but either way you are different from how you previously seemed. You have hidden sides of yourself to protect you, be it from judgement or from pity. The latter I can respect, the former suggest maybe I'm just another victim that you can later paint as a perpetrator.
        So now I have to take a step back in case this side of you will harm me. And maybe in case there are still more sides of you hidden in the shadows. Waiting to push me further away than your radio silence ever could.

Memories

I remember
Late night talks
I remember
Out-of-the-way walks
With you

I remember
Venomous words and fights
I remember
Apologies and dying light
With you

Everything
With you
Against you
About you
I remember everything that's you

I wish I didn't

Sometimes I will be in an anonymous crowd
Someone will wear the same perfume as you
Somehow I will remember so much more

You said I was listening to your favorite song
So we loved music together
And you laughed at my lame music
And I leaned against you and laughed too

You sat beside me with a long way home ahead of us
So we kept warm together
And you slept on my shoulder
And I kept watch over the open road

You wanted to hang out for once
So we watched a dumb movie
And you gained a new favorite
And I laid my head in your lap

Somehow I remember
When we were close enough
That you flooded all my senses
And know it can never be that way again

I remember
What you said
I remember
How I bled
I remember
Cut red thread

I wish I didn't
But I remember everything that's you
And how it really is everything
And how there will be no more you in my life

And how memories are but jagged shrapnel of better times rending me anew each time I try to return and repair whatever it was that broke

So I wait for the day when
I don't remember
Anymore

Shakes

I don't know if this is you
Or if that is him
Or if that is anyone 
Because if this is not you then both might as well not exist to me

He and you flash in my mind
all the time
every night
every word you say he is wonderful and he loves you just maybe like I do
Every time he and you and I am still unfazed

but one mirage and i shake

it's only maybe-he and maybe-you but it burns out of the light
it burns at me while I sit completely vulnerable in the flesh
raw beauty exposed as maybe-you radiates from the light

my head races ahead and cuts itself off at the pass sending everything into a tailspin careening over the edge of a cliff I fear I could never climb again
could it be really-you? with really-him? and really-together? and did i go wrong somewhere? or was it just always meant to be this way? could there never have been us?
my stomach turns and I shake and I shake and I shake

pleased and turned-on by my lust
jealous and turned on by my love
my stomach turns as my feelings turn over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and i shake

my head spins as i make assumptions my breathing is laborious as i am crushed to death my stomach turns as i want to vomit this venomous envy out but cannot and i shake and i shake and i shake

i lie here cold
cut open by my own sharp tonuge
chemically burned by my own vitriol
my jealousy turns me against me 
the pain is BURNing but it just leaves me COLD
and i SHAKE

The Last Thing I Won't Say to You

I asked if it was goodbye. You weren't sure, but if so I guess this is yours. Or at least it's how I feel about yours.
I think I get why now but I'm still torn apart by it because of how I felt about you. I know I told you a thousand times, but I really cared about you. There's another feeling there too, but Doctor Who put it better than I ever could dream to: "I wasn't very good at it, but I did love you." And I think "did" might finally be the right word for it now. I honestly hope so at this point. It's funny, but I knew it would end this way. I knew since before February 15th. The day after Valentine's Day.
The day I started this whole mess.
I was talking about the time before when we watched that movie that's one of your favorites now. I justified why I didn't say anything about how I felt then with this: "if this starts it doesn't end without it ending very badly for one of us." It turns out I was more right than I thought. Because at least for me this is the last way I wanted things to end. I hope you didn't want this either. I hope you cared about me like you said you did, even if it wasn't the way I wanted. But after two whole days of thinking I've decided that maybe this is the way things should be. I listened to "Give Up" on repeat, and it felt like every word described what went down. And I was going to give you the end of Nothing Better but I think this fits more:

"I was the one worth leaving"

I asked if it was goodbye. But regardless of whether or not that was yours, I guess this is mine.
Goodbye to my storyteller, goodbye to my listener. Goodbye to my my ward, goodbye to my protector. Goodbye to my mirror, goodbye to my opposite. Goodbye to my ally, goodbye to my opponent.
Goodbye to my love.
And goodbye to my muse.

I'll never forget you.

Broken Body

Not while my heart still beats
Not while my lungs still draw breath
Not while my bones still hold me upright
Not while my muscles still bear my weight
Not while my skin still keeps me from coming apart at the seams
Not while my mind still thinks but
One
Sane
Thought

I will not love you
I will not let you into my heart
I will not let you break apart its ventricles
I will not let you cave in its atria
I will not let you tear open its veins
I will not let you rend its arteries
From end
To end

I will not
A thousand times I say I will not
But I do
A thousand times I know I do

I love you
I love you while you poison my mind
I love you while you weaken my body
I love you while you pull the breath from my lungs
I love you while you aim the rifle
I love you while you break my heart

Break my heart
Hasten its pace until it breaks apart
Heavy its load until it caves in
Heal it then rend and tear it anew

Open my heart open my veins open my every compartment until love spills out inexorably like blood finally finding its escape through a gunshot to the chest straight through the heart

I am a soldier
Shot in this war my heart wages
I am a casualty
Fallen on this battlefield called love

You are the bullet wounds
Bleeding me out as I lie alone
You are the bandages
Keeping me alive against all odds

We are this war
And I am a soldier
But I don't die here
Don't die in the battle
Don't die on the hospital bed
Don't die by the hand of my enemy

I am weakened poisoned breathless and broken
But I don't die here

And I will not love you
Even though I do
And I will fight for you
Even though I fight against you
Because I don't die here
Because you deserve more than that
Even though you break my heart
Even though it was you

You pulled the trigger

New

My heart is a flier flapping its wings
And I teach it how to flit and flutter
At some fleeting new flight or fling
To flee an old flame still flickering

Finally free from frivolous feelings
Finally fond falsehoods fade
Finally forgetting fights
Finally forgone
Forever

New
New name
New nervousness
New novocaine
New noose
New nothing

This is exactly the same
The same nervous flutter of my heart
The same feelings killing my pain
The same fights bringing it back
The same nothing

Find as many people as I want
With new names
Love as many ways as I want
With new names
Write as many poems as I want
With new names

In a moment I knew
This cannot be new
Always I knew
Nothing can be new

An Open Letter to my Fears

Why?

Why did you make me do it

Waste my years

Push them away

...why?

I stood back

Because of you

Never took a risk

Never took a chance

Never to care and love

But I cared too much

Because of you

Held too close

Held too tight

Held to suffocate and smother

You are a part of me

What the hell is your problem with me

What the hell did you intend to do to me

What the hell

I am consumed by you

How could you hurt what you are

How could you hurt the one who listens

How could you

...why?

Way With Words

You always said that words were beautiful that mine were that I had a way with words but you never wanted the meanings I wrote how I feel so I threw it away because you took away my words I have no meaning no more words to speak to you about anything beautiful is wasted on you could not care is wasted on the same old meanings in new ways new words to put away the way I feel about you isn't anything beautiful isn't because there's no way for words to speak words wasted away my way with words has gone away