Separation Sonnet

We spent so long together here
I fail to understand "apart"
For all this time I held you dear
Can I ever free my heart?

And when we spoke we'd just connect
So you became my dearest friend
Your fragile soul I still protect
Can that ever really end?

And every time I'd hear your laughter
It heartened me to make it through
I cannot think of what comes after
Can I make it without you?

To answer all these questions: "No"
You shaped and built my self entire
Taught me well to walk through fire
But time has come for me to go
And though at times we still may talk
Our separate ways we have to walk

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Not strictly a sonnet but it combines the first thematic part of an English sonnet with the second thematic part of an Italian sonnet. Fourteen lines just wasn't quite enough to get my point across. It's also in tetrameter instead of pentameter because I just like the sound better.

Perfect

I finally understand why you hate it

The overzealous discipline

The taking it too seriously

The endless toil

The futile pursuit

All in the name of "perfect"

I loved it for a long time

I sought until I could not see

I ran until I could not stand

I sang until I could not speak

Poured everything I had

Into everything I did

And painted perfect pictures of everything I wanted

Even of you

All the things that worked mattered

All the things that didn't didn't

Beautiful moments engraved

Painful moments erased

And I ran after that perfect image of you endlessly never getting any closer but always believing I could one day lay next to her and watch the clouds

Until I could not

I wish it had been earlier

I had known you earlier

I had believed you earlier

I had tried to fix this earlier

I hate it too now

But it's too late to stop trying

So I am stuck chasing you and chasing this abstract idea

Pouring everything into nothing

Never to be happy

So used to the perfection in my mind that nothing in this imperfect world could ever hope to make staying in it at all worthwhile

So if you find my body

Sleeping below an imperfectly tied knot

Wincing at imperfectly drawn lines

Crying by an imperfectly pulled trigger

Bury me anyway

And write on my gravestone:

I was not perfect

And neither are you

And I guess that

is ok

It's Really More for Decoration

You bandaged a scar

A wound healed long ago 

In a way

Too little too late 

You apologized for old transgressions 

Things I maybe once hated you for

But I forgave and maybe forgot

My heart unbroke long ago

So it may be too late

But it is not to little 

What you said means 

Something 

Not as an apology

But as a gesture of friendship

A wave

A handshake

An embrace 

So thank you

For caring 

I'll wear your bandage even though I don't need it

What I Miss

I lie awake unable to 

Even dream of sleeping

Sitting up in bed listening to a song

I've missed for far too long

I remember something familiar

Sitting the same way on a hotel bed

Keeping you awake until you weren't

Because you were as I am now

I miss talking each other to sleep
I miss being mistaken for a couple 

I miss our stupid jokes

I miss our pity parties

I miss us

We fit together

Like peanut butter and jealous 

You know which one I was

I miss fitting together 

We climbed a steep cliff face

Belaying each other when we'd fall

You always seemed to be falling

I miss taking on the world together

I guess I miss

Being happy with you

Instead of

Being in love with you 

Can You See Me?

Can you see me?

Like you did that night

When my heart was of glass

You saw through it

My broken love beat there
And after the glass shattered
I think my shrapnel struck you

Can you see me?

Like you did that day

When my eyes were dead 

You saw behind them

My weariness wept there
And though my words claimed otherwise

I think my tone told you the truth

Can you see me?

Like I see myself
    weary             useless
           unlovable
 broken          inept



             alone



Or after all the damage done

Do you see someone whole

Do you see someone meaningful
Do you see someone tenacious
Do you see someone who deserves existence

Do you see?

Can you see?

How much you make me smile

How much you teach me about living 

How much you mean to me
How much you always did

Can you see how I see you?

Do you see me how I see you?

With that endless understanding in your eyes

Please understand that I know I said it wrong before 

And understand that I am doing my best to say it right this time 

Can you see 

How you make me feel
That I am not alone

Psychomelodrama

When your world is in greyscale

You have to paint the colors vibrantly

Even when they are all wrong

The red is blood not love 

The orange is danger not warmth

The yellow is jaundice not the sun 

The green is envy not nature 

The blue is tears not the ocean 

The violet is poison not regal 

You have to break the cycle

Take the hue of all the pain
The blue from your shut eyes
The red from your open veins
The yellow from your skin and rotting liver

And you paint or you dance or you act or you sing or you write
You create art

You create something to remind you that
There is color in the world
There is more than an endless void of grey

And you have to paint the colors vibrantly
Because even the worst rainbow is better than a stormcloud

Sides of You

        I know that there are many sides to every person, but this is going a little too far. These stories don't add up and I showed up late enough to the party that no evidence remains. This is he-said she-said and I can't know who to believe, or if somehow I can believe you both. He says you take and abuse trust, even though you say it was you who was taken and abused.
        Yours was a matter of trust too, the people closest to you became monsters of the basest kind. They made you feel worth something and gave you your fix in more ways than one. But they took the trust they earned, murdered it, and left you bleeding in a society that did not care about Kitty on the street crying bloody murder. So why would it care about one more girl crying rape?
        So with your trust so brutally defiled, how could you even conceive of abusing the trust of another? How could you pull the knife from your back and swing it's blade so wantonly? And if you did swing so wildly around it'd be easy to pass of the inevitable cuts on yourself as the assault of another. I do not want to believe you are so vile, but maybe that's just a side of you long hidden.
        But an uncaring society might view those cuts others forced on you as your chosen scarlet letter. And they throw away damaged goods to prevent the bad apple from spoiling their bunch, and blame it for its bruises. I can't know who to believe, but either way you are different from how you previously seemed. You have hidden sides of yourself to protect you, be it from judgement or from pity. The latter I can respect, the former suggest maybe I'm just another victim that you can later paint as a perpetrator.
        So now I have to take a step back in case this side of you will harm me. And maybe in case there are still more sides of you hidden in the shadows. Waiting to push me further away than your radio silence ever could.