Perfect

I finally understand why you hate it

The overzealous discipline

The taking it too seriously

The endless toil

The futile pursuit

All in the name of "perfect"

I loved it for a long time

I sought until I could not see

I ran until I could not stand

I sang until I could not speak

Poured everything I had

Into everything I did

And painted perfect pictures of everything I wanted

Even of you

All the things that worked mattered

All the things that didn't didn't

Beautiful moments engraved

Painful moments erased

And I ran after that perfect image of you endlessly never getting any closer but always believing I could one day lay next to her and watch the clouds

Until I could not

I wish it had been earlier

I had known you earlier

I had believed you earlier

I had tried to fix this earlier

I hate it too now

But it's too late to stop trying

So I am stuck chasing you and chasing this abstract idea

Pouring everything into nothing

Never to be happy

So used to the perfection in my mind that nothing in this imperfect world could ever hope to make staying in it at all worthwhile

So if you find my body

Sleeping below an imperfectly tied knot

Wincing at imperfectly drawn lines

Crying by an imperfectly pulled trigger

Bury me anyway

And write on my gravestone:

I was not perfect

And neither are you

And I guess that

is ok