Whispers

I dream about you again
I hold you in my arms again
I feel your warmth again
I stare into your eyes again
I feel like part of you again

I hear a whisper
Your whisper
For the first time
And it asks:

What was it like then?
When I held you close
When you leaned your body against mine
When you gripped my arm like it was the only thing holding you here
When I stared off into the distance and hoped that moment would never end

What would it be like?
If I looked into your soul
If you looked into mine and saw a reflection
If you felt the things I do and we saw we were the same
If I told you every last detail of the love I feel for every last piece of you

As I sleep at night
My heart whispers your whisper
My head listens hanging on every word
And it answers:

It wasn't like
It wouldn't be like
It simply never was

Like a whisper
I hear you sing soft and sweet the melody of the beautiful symphony that is the soundtrack of life

Like a whisper
I hear you fade and blend quiet into the inexorable white noise that is the soundtrack of life



And I never hear your whisper again

L'appel du Vide

The end begins quickly
You know it will happen
But you do not prepare
So the end begins quickly

You grab a piece of paper
You smile for the camera
You walk out into the end
So the end begins quickly

so the
slow fade
begins

You sit and reflect on this whole thing
but realize that the memories begin fading
When the end begins quickly

You stand and rejoice with friends
but realize that this is all just a slow goodbye
as the slow fade begins

In the dead of night
You realize you
don't
want
this

You
can not will not must not
accept it

fuck no

In the dead of night
Take the wheel
Get on One at two AM
Stare down the straightaway
Hit the asphalt with your right foot
RUN GOD DAMN IT

You fly north
Everything is the same
The ocean to your left
The mountains to your right
One stretching ahead of you

You blink quickly
Everything is different
vast landscapes flying past faster than light cast in front of the One thing that lasts

The One thing leading you away
the One thing keeping you moving
the One thing filling your lungs
the One thing beating your heart
The One thing ending your-
slow fade

You can't fight this One
no stopping the slow fade
so simply speed it up

speed up
no stopping
speed up
speed up
RUN FASTER

Hey you
What are you running from?
run faster
Hey you
Where are you going so quickly?
speed up

Hey you
Why are you running?
run faster

Hey you
speed up
Hey-
run faster
STOP

don't

just close your eyes
turn the wheel left



fall into the void


_________________________________________________________________________________

A little bit of a footnote in case this seemed confusing because of a reference not everyone might recognize. "One" is kind of a persona or speaker in this poem, but it refers to a highway, specifically California State Route 1, pictured below.

The Last Thing I Won't Say to You

I asked if it was goodbye. You weren't sure, but if so I guess this is yours. Or at least it's how I feel about yours.
I think I get why now but I'm still torn apart by it because of how I felt about you. I know I told you a thousand times, but I really cared about you. There's another feeling there too, but Doctor Who put it better than I ever could dream to: "I wasn't very good at it, but I did love you." And I think "did" might finally be the right word for it now. I honestly hope so at this point. It's funny, but I knew it would end this way. I knew since before February 15th. The day after Valentine's Day.
The day I started this whole mess.
I was talking about the time before when we watched that movie that's one of your favorites now. I justified why I didn't say anything about how I felt then with this: "if this starts it doesn't end without it ending very badly for one of us." It turns out I was more right than I thought. Because at least for me this is the last way I wanted things to end. I hope you didn't want this either. I hope you cared about me like you said you did, even if it wasn't the way I wanted. But after two whole days of thinking I've decided that maybe this is the way things should be. I listened to "Give Up" on repeat, and it felt like every word described what went down. And I was going to give you the end of Nothing Better but I think this fits more:

"I was the one worth leaving"

I asked if it was goodbye. But regardless of whether or not that was yours, I guess this is mine.
Goodbye to my storyteller, goodbye to my listener. Goodbye to my my ward, goodbye to my protector. Goodbye to my mirror, goodbye to my opposite. Goodbye to my ally, goodbye to my opponent.
Goodbye to my love.
And goodbye to my muse.

I'll never forget you.

Mouthpiece

When I write
I am my voice
I put emotion to
Words

The emotion is
Mine
The voice is
Mine
But the words are
Yours

My thoughts on
Your wonder in
My eyes on
My page with
My? words

But they have to be yours
They are to you
They are about you
They are made of you
They couldn't exist without
You

I am a voice
Yours

But have no one to be

Mine


My? voice


I cant speak

Salt and Iron

I opened the door.
I should have known you would be there. It was a Monday morning in January. The day after your birthday. I didn't want to bother you but I had to eventually.
I sat down next to you.
I looked at you while you just lay there. But I couldn't see you for long. Your image became blurry. I shut my eyes as drop by drop salt met iron.
I breathed a heavy sigh.
I remembered how you talked almost every day about being there. I only ever half believed you. You scared me sometimes. I didn't think I really had to be afraid.
I brushed your hair out of your eyes.
I used to call you kiddo all the time. It was our cute little term of endearment for each other. You really were just a kid. Of all people a kid belongs there the least.
I bent over and gently kissed your forehead.
I had to convince you of a lot of things. That you were beautiful, that I loved you. You never really believed me. You believed you didn't deserve any of this.
I embrace you for the la-



Wait.



In your hand.
I know immediately what it is. The pen with which you wrote your final message to me. I tear it from your fingers and throw it as far from us as I possibly can. I burn with rage. Rage at you for doing this. Rage at me for letting it happen. Rage at love for not being enough. Rage at the world for hurting you this way. Rage at that pen for making this even a possibility. I rage rage rage rage rage against the dying of the light.

The dying of your light. Your already dead light. Your light that had been dead for so long but I didn't notice until now. Or I did and couldn't admit it. 

I have beaten the room until I am senseless. My fists cannot unclench, iron drips from my knuckles. My eyes cannot open, salt burns down my face. There is no more rage, only your dead light and mine.
I go and pick up your pen from the corner of the room
I want to go with you, to chase after you. I want to lie beside you and draw the same lines on my skin you did. I settle for a little less. Perpendicular lines that last forever, to remind me of what I could never forget anyway. 


My life joins with yours one final time, then I open the drain, and watch the last of you flow away from me.

Broken Body

Not while my heart still beats
Not while my lungs still draw breath
Not while my bones still hold me upright
Not while my muscles still bear my weight
Not while my skin still keeps me from coming apart at the seams
Not while my mind still thinks but
One
Sane
Thought

I will not love you
I will not let you into my heart
I will not let you break apart its ventricles
I will not let you cave in its atria
I will not let you tear open its veins
I will not let you rend its arteries
From end
To end

I will not
A thousand times I say I will not
But I do
A thousand times I know I do

I love you
I love you while you poison my mind
I love you while you weaken my body
I love you while you pull the breath from my lungs
I love you while you aim the rifle
I love you while you break my heart

Break my heart
Hasten its pace until it breaks apart
Heavy its load until it caves in
Heal it then rend and tear it anew

Open my heart open my veins open my every compartment until love spills out inexorably like blood finally finding its escape through a gunshot to the chest straight through the heart

I am a soldier
Shot in this war my heart wages
I am a casualty
Fallen on this battlefield called love

You are the bullet wounds
Bleeding me out as I lie alone
You are the bandages
Keeping me alive against all odds

We are this war
And I am a soldier
But I don't die here
Don't die in the battle
Don't die on the hospital bed
Don't die by the hand of my enemy

I am weakened poisoned breathless and broken
But I don't die here

And I will not love you
Even though I do
And I will fight for you
Even though I fight against you
Because I don't die here
Because you deserve more than that
Even though you break my heart
Even though it was you

You pulled the trigger

Looking Back at the Future

I'm sorry is not enough
It never is but this time especially

I ruined things for you
If only a little bit
But that merits I'm sorry
It merits not enough

In other words
It doesn't merit enough
In other words

I'm sorry is too much
It always is but this time especially

I didn't know how upset you were then so I couldn't say I'm sorry
I shouldn't know how upset you were now so I can't say I'm sorry
You probably don't want an apology so I shouldn't say I'm sorry
You definitely don't want to hear from me so I can't say I'm sorry

In other words
I won't say I'm sorry
In other words

I won't say goodbye
Even though it is
Because I won't say anything
And you won't say anything

And we'll keep not saying anything
And then we won't think anything
And then we won't be anything
To each other

I guess that's okay
I guess that's goodbye
I guess that's too much
I guess that's not enough
I guess that's I'm sorry
I guess I said it